Maybe I'm Not That Great of a Friend..

Well, I've been feeling rather depressed with myself this month of February. I feel rather, upset with myself and how I handled a few things and how I've treated people and such. I feel like I've been a horrible friend/person and it is driving me up the wall. I feel like, I'm just another one of those selfish people that does things just because they tell me to, or I do it to make me look better. I feel like I've been just one of those people that just take things for granted.

I don't understand this feeling, but it is aching me all over. I also feel like a joke to others too. It kinda hurts inside at times. I mean, I try to be funny, and sometimes it works, but when I'm not trying to be funny, everyone laughs. Am I really that stupid? Am I that clueless with people around me? It just feels hopeless. Being one big joke to people kind of aches me. I just think that, that is all they see in me. Just one big joke and push over. It annoys the HELL out of me. I'm tired of it and I can't take it. I don't understand it at all. I just hate yelling at others and trying to be the mean person, even though I allready felt like that to begin with. It sucks. Maybe I let them because I feel like I deserve it as some payment for my evil ways from the past. I don't really know. Maybe I've been in the wrong about everything.

I'm just tired with how I am, but no matter how hard I try to change it, I just can't. Change is something I'm having a hard time with. It sucks for me to even think about changing. I don't want to change. But, I do. It's so confusing! I hate it so much...

Maybe I am doing something wrong. I mean, I lost so many friends in my time more than the friends I have. I can count the friends I have on one finger. My allies lost, I can't. I think I am the one that is in the wrong.

Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut anymore, and not speak how I feel. That is usually the cause of me losing my friends. The sad thing is that, I really don't know what it is I say at times that makes them so upset. It hurt that I am THAT much of an idiot to not realize what hurts my friends or not..

I guess what I am trying to tell myself in this blog is that, I'm not a great friend. I suck at it, and everytime I try, it just gets worse. Maybe it is best that I don't have friends, and go back to how I was before; a loner. That way, I won't hurt anyone but myself, and everyone will be happy again. Maybe just go off somewhere, and not let anyone know. I'm sure that they will be happy while I'm not around.

I know it isn't the best thing to do, but I can't help but to think it. I'm not at all that great. i can't make people smile, I can't do anything well when it comes to talent, and I just hurt the people around me. I'm tired of it, and it is hurting me knowing the fact I hurt so many in my life. It sickens me all to Hell....

I try to be there for them, and tell them how I feel, but it just backfires and I don't think too much at all before I act. I'm new to the whole "Speaking Your Mind" thing, and frankly, I hate it. I don't ever want to speak my mind to others. This blog is the only thing that I can speak my mind with. It is the only thing I know that I can say things without having to backfire about my emotions and such.

I think I'm over with speaking my mind with others. I feel that not only does it make me look a fucking idiot, but a helpless dependant person. I don't want to be like that. I really don't.

I need to learn to help myself....or I won't get anywhere in life. I plan on not being with anyone, so it should be easier to just keep things as is....

I don't even know what I'm typing in here anymore...just a bunch of jibberish I'm sure. I'll just end it here and call it a night for this. Good Night.