Using the PSP for This!!

This is just a test to see how this works on my PSP...and so far I think it is awesome and ANNOYING!!!

But yeah..that's why the last one was a bit short. My parents are too nosey anymore with my internet life.

So...I've been thinking about doing another donation stream when I have the free time to do so. The charity cause----Lupus.

The reason I wanted to do this one is because my mom has been confirmed to have this after the blood tests they got her to do. So,this one is a personal one.

Those BLEH Days and Randomness..

Well, things for me have been one HELL of a rollercoaster ride. I've been depressed to the point of not wanting to be in hardly ANY contact with my frends until just recently this week when I slowly came back into the Skype calls I'm usually in. SOmetimes even then, with the people that don't even bug me, I don't want to be in them as much anymore. I guess I'm just too bummed to do ANYthing. Hell, I still have layouts to do, and just need an inspirational spark to do those things anymore. That's a bad thing. I SHOULD be able to do them, regardless of what I feel at the moment. It's what I went to school for, and I need to handle on how to do things with me being pissed, fustrated, or whatever. I mean, of course walking away from it for a few min. and returning is normal to do. It's just hard to explain these things like this.

I've also been asked to help out my frend again with his money issues. I'm sure he feels bad about doing this. I mean, my friend and I REALLY hate doing these things, but hey, I rather grit my teeth and bare it like he does than have him on the streets. Guilt would sink in if I didn't help him and besides; his parents asked him to do it for them. How can he say no to that? ^^''

But yeah. I've been thinking about things too hard again today...

Like, my parents are talking me into doing graphical work for my boss. I mean, yeah, I went to school for it, but, the way they act, it makes me feel like I shouldn't even BE in ths field of work. Aw well, they can kiss my ass. I'm going to work REAL hard at this, and who knows? THis could be my big break! We will soon see...

Uneasiness...

I've been feeling rather strange anymore...well more than usual XD

I guess....I should explain this feeling as best as I can..

There is this guy...me and him talk as much as we can. It's nice to talk to him and well...he does indeed like me...okay more like loves me..

I told him nicely that I didn't accept him as being with me after he confessed his love to me..I felt so bad. My heart sank, but it happens to all the others that confessed their love to me..I just, I just don't see myself with anyone at all. There are so many factors that go within this as well, but, it's just how I feel..I mean really? Skye being with someone? Hell would freeze over..

I mean, don't get me wrong...I've been with others, but it felt wrong for them all. I dumped them, as much as it pained me. I just hate trampling on people's hearts. But, I can't say what they would like, and lead them on...it hurts me even more.

Anyway....We got to talking like usual..but...after a few months, I started to feel....different towards him. I didn't understand it. I never felt like this before really. It's like...two people inside of me struggling to win...to either accept or reject him. The Acceptance seems to be winning. I smile every time I talk to him, I enjoy the conversations that me and him share, either text, or voice...

It's just something I enjoy....like the simplest pleasures. When he's not around...I feel rather empty inside. Even hanging with others doesn't fill that void as much as I want it to. It makes me want him more...I feel like such a child, but this is just all feelings that I can't explain.

Is this really love? Where you think about him, your chest hurts to even think of his name, and even think about him before you sleep? Is it just enjoying ones company, ignoring everything around you, but the one that you WISH to listen to? Is it love to have your heart race, wanting to say the silliest and craziest things to the other, regardless how you regret it or not? Is it love...to just wanting to listen to his voice, and nothing more..?

Pride however, does sink in. It makes you silent, unable to speak those 3 words you long to tell him, and even halt all other words that will reflect your feelings you wish to tell him, but cannot. It hurts you inside, your heart tearing in half..

I think it is more of Fear than Pride..I realize. It is fear of change. What would happen after I say those 3 words? What would happen after I express myself out of character and start to be even MORE expressive of myself towards him?

I fear of many things with this. I fear of having it not be love, but a mere bonding that I cannot explain, or even it is just my body being stupid. I don't want to hurt his heart...it would me so bad if I ever did such a thing. I wouldn't forgive myself.

I refuse to lead him on...I refuse to further the relationship, even though I wish to move forward with it. It hurts so much. It makes me lose sleep, not eat as much, and makes me think too much to the point where I just ignore everyone around me. I hate this feeling. I'm not used to such things, if it is a normal feeling.

I guess where I'm getting at in this is (besides expressing myself through words here for my own personal reasons)....I don't know what I should do. I'm still searching for the answer.

If this is love....if this is what I feel..then I'm shocked that I didn't know it sooner....or even discover it sooner...

With my feelings and reasoning's I've held for almost a lifetime, only for it to crumble and melt the ice around my heart in a matter of months...it makes me uneasy.

I don't want pride to win, or fear....I want to accept this. To see for myself, if this is indeed....love.