I guess this is something that has been plaguing my mind. I have been confused until a few have told this: "I'm not a good person."
I try to be as nice as I can, and being social is still new to me I suppose. I was never social at all back in my earlier years as a kid. I couldn't because I was always sick at home, hardly interacting with the kids. And when i did, I would get mocked for being the tallest kid in grade school or wearing glasses and hearing aids because I was a stress baby. It wasn't the best of times. I ony had 2 friends at that time, and they moved away later, leaving me with no one but videogames and family members to talk about that share the same things in common..
That changed during the run of my senior year in high school when I met a good friend of mine. Senya was an awesome person, a bitch, but I admired her for that. She spoke her mind, not caring about others, and cared about her friends' safety and support, regardless she was a year or two under me. I began to grow fond of her, and we shared the same interests. It was an awesome friendship and I knew that she changed me the most out since well...she was technically the only person who I talked to at that time in life since I was having issues with so-called "friends" that forced me to dress differently, or make me do things that I knew I shouldn't and yell at me for being open minded. It hurt a lot and I was fortunate to meet up with someone like her....she made me become "me"...
that was until she moved off into Florida, where I have the hardest time contacting her. I once again, close myself up and try to be cheerful to everyone around me, regardless of the mental chain I gave myself. I know people reading this might disagree with me at this point, but what I speak is the truth I suppose..
But, as time went on, This chain has been tugging and tugging. COnstant bickering from parents breaking down this chain with verbal abuse, making me feel like I am worthless in the world, and a few friends online and offline cheering me up as I try to block out the pain within my head, afriad that one day, this chain will snap.
I fear of losing friends. that is the most important thing to me. Family will always be there for you, but as friends, I enjoy talking to them about the things we hold in common and have an awesome conversation and support each other. When friends argue, I get scared about whos side to be on, and/or, speak the mind and get ridiculed by both at once. I fear all of this and I attampt to put up a front by being mean and nasty.
However, I think that the facade has lost, and now, my mind has made me become something I don't want to be...mean, verbally abusive to everyone, and just right rude at times. I hate how I feel about it, and that makes the chain slowly calm itself down, until the next brutal assaults arrive.
I guess I just wanted to type this to vent and make me feel better...or maybe for people to understand how I am feeling. As I type this, I hold in everything I would like to type out about all my problems, emotions, and everything else. I feel that I have been molded by people to be what I am now. I feel, after thinking about this, that I am not who I wish to be at all.
Who am I?
I guess....leaving behind all means of communication from internet and irl to be by myself as much as I can will answer this for me....regardless if I like the end result or not..
Monday, August 31, 2009
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1 comments:
Its a real shame when good people have to endure hardships well beyond their deserving. Schools, "Whats socially acceptable", So many things that slowly chip away at the minds of good people, It depresses me a good bit. When people are born, we are not born "evil" or "cruel". People grow and become that way because of the world around them and how they responde to it. Schools, people, the majority of these do little to develope us into the right kind of person.
It is for these reasons, and these cruel truths of life, that makes good people so special. Real friends are hard to find, Truthful people whom you could give your life to and feel as secure as ever, are very hard to come by. A real relationship that someone can live with happily for the rest of their lives, are just as difficult to find. But the one differance between finding these things, and not; Are determained by someones passion, their desire, and their persistance.
When we give up, is the day we can no longer reach our desire, but even so; nothing stops us from trying again. I myself, am only blessed with 1 true friend in my life. And i honestly feel its more then i deserve.
A lot of the pains we as people feel are based on what THIS world feels is right and wrong, and how our lives should be lived. But people shouldnt live based on what others tell them what life is. Our reasons for living, our reasons for being happy, angry, or sad, are all choosen by ourselves. And nothing is stopping anyone from seeing life in a better way then they do now.
People can influance our choices, but they don't make them for us. Its never to late to change, and its never the wrong time to relize the right thing to think or do.
Peoples words only matter if we make them important, so the bigger question is, who is important enough to listen too? Not based on what the world feels, But based on how you feel. Who is important enough to you, to be worth caring for and listening too?
Only when we as people stopping looking for the truth, is it beyond our reach. so everyone must hang strong, and bare through the pain to find what we are looking for. Because in the end; when we finnaly find what we seek, the joy and happyness will be stronger and brighter then any pain on the way there.
Weather it be in finding ourselves, or finding someone else. Weather it be finding our dreams, or saving something from our nightmares.
Do i know you personally? I do not. Do i know if you will bother reading or caring about this? no i do not. But i don't need too in order to see what a great person you are. Don't let other things and other people stop you from being everything your meant to be.
You truly deserve so much better.
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